come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
