I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
