Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
