Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
