the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
