Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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