I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
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