Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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