and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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