She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
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I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
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Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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