I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
