i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
