i don't like sucking hair
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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