DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
