I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking