I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.