...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.