I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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