This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
