i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
MIDGETS
????
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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