I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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