I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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