Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
