my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
