i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
it's great music for shaving your balls
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
