i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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