Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
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I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
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My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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