One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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