I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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