I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
