Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
