If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
