I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
