Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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