I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
