come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
