What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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