they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
