I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
