This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
