Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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