I hate all girls vehemently.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
