The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
So vagazzling was a success
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
