I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
