I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
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I queefed so loud it echoed.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
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Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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