foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
