Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
