I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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