Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
