So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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