So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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