Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
