I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
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apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
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I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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