Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
