Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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