I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
