I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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