Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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