Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just pynch a tree in the face
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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